By Kasanya Chavula
We’re more digitally enabled and culturally transparent about casual sex than ever before, yet actually finding casual sex partners still seems like the illusive Holy Grail of online dating sites. The fact that one person looks for a casual sexual partner whilst another is looking for a serious relationship has ended up killing the old testament of relationships.
In as much as it is operable for people to meet online and find the person they are looking for it has led to many problems. These problems are not just synonymous to online dating sites but to the individual as well. Let’s not take away from those that have met good people online and have had good relationships but the cause for a near crash are more than often on the horizon than for people that meet the old fashioned way.
The fact that people are people means that they are most prone to habits that one cannot see online but on a face to face contact. This though you still may not fully know the person it allows you to see some of the red flags that in more often than not we tend to convince ourselves that you can fix. Life Enthusiast, Mark Manson gives a clear and most profound way to identify a toxic relationship, his article can and will most likely help you as it did me identify how toxic my past relationships were, https://markmanson.net/toxic-relationship-habits .
“The biggest problem of developing these co-dependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once in a while because she’s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires”.
On the other hand of the spectrum it is not good to remain on the side of living in the toxic past but it is good to move on to a new and better way of living life. Kelsey Borresen in her article, 9 habits of a healthy relationship, ( https://www.yahoo.com/news/9-habits-people-healthiest-relationships-182756091.html ) shows how one can embrace a healthy relationship and live the way we are to be. in her article she states one thing that both male and females tend to neglect and brings a down fall which is:
“Couples in healthy relationships talk positively about one another to friends, kids, relatives, even co-workers. This is the opposite of undermining behaviors that characterize less functional relationships. Just saying, ‘My husband is handy,’ or ‘Mommy always makes the best dinners’ can be automatic and is a great way to maintain connection and closeness.” ― Dr. Samantha Rodman, psychologist and dating coach
So the major question remains how to we move from him thinking we are just casual to a place where we are serious?
The most important thing is that from inception the relationship has to be defined.
Some people are in it only for the sex and not the long hall. This ends up causing problems in future as this is a burden the hurt person will bring into the next relationship.
Remain as mere cordial friends.
This does not imply friends with benefits or the sort of new thing that is now coming up but let your stance be defined. Failure to do this result in many people having sex and the other party only wanted the goods and once you have delivered they move on top what they think is better.
No one elaborates this better than Jonathan Aslay, (http://www.jonathonaslay.com/2014/02/19/move-from-casual-to-committed-by-saying-this-to-him/)
First, realize that he may assume you’re his girlfriend now. Or he might not realize that’s what you want. Some men can be pretty obtuse about that stuff.
Second, know that you are taking a risk by initiating “the talk.” A man who is relationship ready will have no problems talking about it, but a boy will run. Be prepared for that to happen. You’ll want to be passionately detached here—say what you need to say, and then detach from any particular outcome.
Third, make sure he knows there is a win in this for him. You win by getting a committed relationship, but what does he get? Will it be more time with you, more sex, a happier you? Moving from casual to committed should be a win-win for both of you, and when you talk to him, you’ll want to make his win clear to him.
Remember you have the party power to choose what you want. This in no way does it take away from online dating no should you fear to. The only thing is take your time before you regret.